Ask Audrey: Is a thermal vest fetish weird, even for Abbeyfeale?

Ask Audrey: Is a thermal vest fetish weird, even for Abbeyfeale?

It’s very Gucci on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Haven’t Slept for 3 Nights. Fifi_ElectricBMW said I’ve been forcing tears out through the Botox all week babes, after hearing about the masks for 9 year olds – what kind of beast would make a child wear a mask all day, in full knowledge that her classmates will be trying to figure out how much it cost? I mean, you know the way kids are. Clara_Bulgari said her Ken wanted to send their Maxi in with a 5 pack of masks from Aldi to show solidarity with the lower orders in her class and now, she, Clara, has only one question – does anyone know a good divorce lawyer, because My Ken seems happy for people to think that their Maxi is from Ballinlough!? Laura_PrincessOfYoga said she felt really sorry for her Roxy heading off to school this morning, because she’s sitting next to a guy from Carrigaline. Ok, that was bit off topic, but fair play to Laura for having the courage to say it. Anyway, Audrey, where can I get a small facemask that just screams ‘my parents are millionaires’? Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin and said, what’s the best way to show off your wealth with a facemask? She said, don’t wear one – the rules are for little people.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. It’s after getting fierce cold up here in north Cork, the wind would nearly knock Tony Holohan off his high horse. Berna and myself got stuck into the hot whiskies the other night, it’s cheaper than putting on the heating and loads of craic as long as you don’t have much on the following day. Speaking of not having much on, I was doing an exotic dance for my new boyfriend the other night, he’s from over across in Abbeyfeale, very nice fella actually if you don’t mind the smell of Milky Mints. Anyway, I start peeling off the layers in front of him, hips gyrating, eyes closed, pretending he was Gerard Butler, not the Scottish hunk now, Gerard Butler from Kiskeam, I’ve always had a thing for him. Well didn’t your man ask me to leave my thermal vest on because it’s shocking cold and I said now isn’t the time to be considerate you flaccid gobshite, do you want to see the goods or not? Well didn’t he say then that he was only making up the weather thing, the truth is he has a fetish for thermal vests. Is a thermal vest fetish weird, even for Abbeyfeale? Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend Clodagh is well into the bit of kink, we call her Spanky Spanx. I told her your story and said what do you think. She said, that’s really deviant. I said, the vest? She said, no, having it off with someone from south Limerick. #YouNaughtyGirl

Now listen up Paddy. I’m in love! With one of your lot! It all started when I rang a helpline recently to complain about the fact that Barbados was being given back to the locals, because they no longer felt like bowing to ER II, or the Queen as you probably call her in Paddy Land. The girl who answered said ‘cop yourself on, ya gowl, people starving on the streets and you’re ringing me to say horrible things about Rihanna’. So I said, what’s your name? She said, Fiona

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